#45 | "He Doesn't Look Autistic" | 685 Parents On The Words That Stuck

Jul 31, 2026 52 min

About this episode

Andy put a video up asking one question: which phrase from a professional never left you? His own was a paediatrician who would not answer whether Lydia was autistic, and instead said "we just need to ensure she reaches her potential, whatever that looks like." Around 685 parents answered. It is the only post we have ever done that got more comments than likes. So we sorted the lot and read them back. The denial, the low expectations, the gatekeeping, the ones that were meant kindly and landed like a brick, and the small number that got it exactly right. Over half of the worst of it came from a professional or a school. This one is heavy in places and very funny in others, and if you have ever been told your child does not look autistic, you are going to recognise most of it. Timestamps 00:00 Thomas spells Playbarn on his iPad and reroutes the whole day 02:49 The video Andy posted, and the phrase that never left him 06:26 685 replies, and more comments than likes 07:30 The split: denial, low expectations, cruelty, blame 09:18 Over half of it came from a professional or a school 10:34 "He doesn't look autistic" and what spazzy is actually short for 15:10 The comebacks parents keep ready 15:48 The grandad in the supermarket 18:15 "Your autistic children may never thrive in school" 19:02 Why families actually want a diagnosis 22:35 "She isn't worth the funding" and the iceberg 23:24 "Masking is a skill you should be proud of" 24:38 The tongue tie nobody would treat 25:51 Written off, and proven wrong 32:05 The ones that were meant kindly 34:53 The worst thing anyone said 35:50 The comments about the comments 36:01 What autistic adults asked us to hear 37:38 The professionals who got it right 40:36 A diagnosis doesn't change who your child is 41:10 Hope without a promise 41:25 Eye contact, and who it is really for 45:04 Takiwatanga: in his or her own time 46:01 "So am I. Don't worry. We see each other." 47:20 Lydia's sleep, transitions and the summer holidays Timecodes are taken from the raw recording and need tightening once the cold open is on the front of the final cut. Latest episode in the link tree in bio.

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